big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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