phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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