I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
