toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
