dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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