im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
