my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
