I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
