Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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