i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
