I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
