I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
