I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
