I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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