Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
