mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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