Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize