my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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