I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
