I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My vagina is officially offended.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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