my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
