My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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