Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i have two assholes
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
