I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
