it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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