I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
