woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
