You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
