Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
