Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
