At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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