some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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