well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
