EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
