8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Houston, we have a squirter
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
