my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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