I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
