I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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