This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Randomize
