We got so high we made milksteak
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
