"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
