I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
His nipple licking is glorious
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