He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
