you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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