bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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