What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
