nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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