My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
