just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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