So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
