dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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